How to Recognize Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Have you ever had someone say "I'm fine" (when they are clearly not) or a co-worker who "forgets" to do something you asked them to do (when they obviously just don't want to do it)? Those are examples of passive-aggressive behaviors, the kinds of actions that can derail relationships and leave you feeling confused, slighted, and drained.

Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as behavior that is seemingly innocuous, accidental, or neutral but that *indirectly* displays an unconscious aggressive motive.

People who are passive-aggressive are indirectly aggressive rather than directly aggressive. For instance, passive-aggressive behavior can manifest as resistance to another person's requests by procrastinating, expressing sullenness, or acting stubbornly.

Someone who is passive-aggressive often lets others take control while someone who is aggressive is more confrontational or directly forceful. So, someone who is passive-aggressive is exerting control over situations—just in a less direct or recognizable way. Researchers suggest that passive-aggressiveness is a way to express hostility without violence or physical aggression.

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Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in many forms. If someone is being passive-aggressive, they might:

• "Ghost" you, or seemingly disappear
• Give you a backhanded compliment ("I saw you did the dishes. I was surprised.")
• Give you the silent treatment
• Indirectly refuse your request (not tell you no, but also not do what you've asked)
• Make excuses rather than say what is on their mind
• Procrastinate when you've asked them to do something
• Respond to your requests with sarcasm or subtle digs

A passive-aggressive person might repeatedly claim that they are not mad or that they are fine—even when they are apparently furious and obviously not okay. In denying what they are feeling and refusing to be emotionally open, they shut down further communication and refuse to discuss the issue.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself in a number of different ways. Some examples include:

• You ask them to do something, and they tell you they will, but they drag their feet, never wind up doing it, or give you a sarcastic response.
• They give you the silent treatment for no apparent reason, and when you try to talk about what's bothering them, they won't tell you how they feel.
• They seem angry, but when you ask them what's bothering them, they say, "I'm fine" or "nothing is bothering me," when something clearly is.
• They pout, sigh loudly, or otherwise exhibit behaviors that they are not happy—such as slamming cupboard doors—even though they don't express their unhappiness verbally.
• They complain about situations with other people that bother them as a means to indirectly say that they're unhappy when these same situations occur with you.
• They seem to "keep score," talking about how they do so many things for other people yet they don't get the same treatment in return.
  

An example of passive-aggressive behavior in a marriage might look like this: You ask them to empty the dishwasher. They tell you they will, but then they either don't or wait until the last minute to do it (and only after you repeatedly remind them). Or they may respond with a sarcastic comment such as, "Why yes, I'd love to empty the dishwasher for you."

If someone is passive-aggressive at work, they may be sarcastic with co-workers or not finish their work on time. Another example of work-related passive-aggressive behavior is withholding important information as if punishing the team by not giving them the data needed to move forward.

Effects of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior can have a *serious* negative effect on relationships. Since they don't openly voice their feelings, the people they interact with may not understand why they're getting the silent treatment or why their requests are being ignored. This creates confusion about what is going on.

Additionally, since the person who is being passive-aggressive doesn't open up about how they are feeling, the underlying anger or frustration is never dealt with. The situation continues to fester as opposed to resolving the issues and moving forward.

Employees who are passive-aggressive may face disciplinary action at work or even be terminated. A student who is passive-aggressive Students who are passive-aggressive might receiveor late assignments, hurting their grades and resulting which can hurtacademic performanresult

Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors can have negative effects on relationships in families, romances, and even in the workplace and school. So why is this often destructive behavior so common? There are a few things that can contribute to passive aggression.

Family Upbringing

Some researchers theorize that passive-aggressive behavior can stem from being raised in an environment where the direct expression of emotions was discouraged or not allowed. As a result, people may feel that they cannot express their real feelings more openly and, instead, find ways to passively channel their anger or frustration.

Mental Health Status

Research has found a connection between depression and passive-aggressive behaviors toward oneself. It's thought that this is due to a combination of the person's attitude, how they explain negative situations (their attributional style), and how they respond to distress.

Situational Circumstances

The situation may also have an influence on passive-aggressive behavior. If you are in a place where displays of aggression are not socially acceptable, such as at a business or family function, you might be more inclined to respond in a covert way when someone makes you angry.

Discomfort With Confrontation

Being assertive and emotionally open is not always easy. When standing up for yourself is difficult or even scary, passive-aggression might seem like an easier way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of your anger.

How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People

What can you do when confronted with a friend, co-worker, or romantic partner who regularly engages in passive aggression?

When the other person begins acting in such a way, try to keep your anger in check. Instead, point out the other person's feelings in a way that is non-judgmental, yet factual. If you are dealing with a child who is clearly upset about having to do chores, for example, you might say, "You seem to be angry at me for asking you to clean your room."

Addressing behaviors without pointing fingers or assigning blame may make it easier for them to open up. It also lets them know that you recognize the passive-aggressiveness and aren't going to let it slide without talking things out.

Finally, allow the person the opportunity to work through how they are feeling. Give them the space they need to figure out their emotions and handle them accordingly.

Recognizing Your Own Passive-Aggressive Behaviors

It can sometimes be easier to recognize passive-aggressiveness in others than it is to see these behavior patterns in yourself. If you think that you might be passive-aggressive, take a step back and look at your own behavior with an impartial eye.

If you feel that your passive-aggressive behaviors are damaging your relationships, there are steps you can take to change how you relate to others.

• Improve your self-awareness. Passive-aggressive actions sometimes stem from not having a good understanding of what you are feeling. Start paying attention to what is going on with you emotionally as you react to different people and situations.
• Give yourself time to make changes. Recognizing your own behaviors is a good first step toward change, but altering your patterns and reactions can take some time. Be patient with yourself as you work to reduce your passive-aggressive responses.
• Practice expressing yourself. Understanding your emotions and learning to express your feelings appropriately is an important step toward ending passive-aggressive behaviors. Conflict is an unavoidable part of life, but knowing how to assert your feelings effectively can result in better resolutions.

Takeaways

Passive-aggressive behavior can be destructive, yet we can all respond in such ways at times. By understanding what causes passive-aggressiveness and how to deal with it, you can not only address these behaviors with people in your life but also minimize the potential damage to your own relationships.